divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it鈥檚 a drug deal. 馃槶
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You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper鈥檚 car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I鈥檓 not sure strep throat is THAT bad
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn鈥檛 live off of that celery.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don鈥檛 have a boyfriend. 鈽癸笍鈽癸笍
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I鈥檓 on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver鈥檚 license*