[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
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I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I’M CRYINGGG
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*