Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
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“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males