As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
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A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
i love modern commerce
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.