*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
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A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.