your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
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Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
The sacred texts.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I needed a laugh this morning.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.