Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
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What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
IT’S-A ME,
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”