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@TheToddWilliams: GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood ...do you know what I'm thinking? PSYCHIC COP: Yes GOOD COP: Oh right
@Tommytoughstuff: [the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week] ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I'm not dead!
@topaz_kell: Life is not like a box of chocolates. It's more like not being allowed to leave the table until you finish your brussels sprouts.