I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
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Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
The French word for sex is croissant.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!