*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
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The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning