Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
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*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Its a hippotatomus
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe