I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
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I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys