What fresh Hell is this?!?
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The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
they finally got him. they got macavity
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
accurate
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now