The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
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[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?