Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
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Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem