@SethMacFarlane: Someone left a flyer on my windshield asking me to envision heaven, so I pictured a world where no one leaves flyers on my windshield.

@tuckerflodman: *Mom makes me take out the garbage* *Garbage and I begin to date* *I start taking things too fast* *Garbage dumps me*

@realHamOnWry: My parents both wear hearing-aids. And I think that's why they're still married...they never turn them on.

@primawesome: It's uncool to be religious. It's uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It's the only way to be safe.

@charliedelta7: My 4yo: Dad, you're old, right? Me: I'm not that old. 4: You're not new. Me: Go to bed.