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@SethMacFarlane: Someone left a flyer on my windshield asking me to envision heaven, so I pictured a world where no one leaves flyers on my windshield.
@tuckerflodman: *Mom makes me take out the garbage* *Garbage and I begin to date* *I start taking things too fast* *Garbage dumps me*
@realHamOnWry: My parents both wear hearing-aids. And I think that's why they're still married...they never turn them on.
@primawesome: It's uncool to be religious. It's uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It's the only way to be safe.