describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
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So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[shakes fist at other fist]
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone