History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
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“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
January has been Januweary
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history