This is my pinned tweet
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ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Meow
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
This is I, Robot all over again
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.