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@ohpeetie: Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?"
Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee"
@peachesanscream: Doctor: "You have a blockage in your small & large intestine"
Doctor: *Sigh* "Ok, Tall & Venti intestine."
@DanMentos: "Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?"
Oh it died?
@WittySassBasket: I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I'M IN A GANG NOW.
@singing_ghosts: [texting in 1918]
*pigeon delivers message*
*msg reads: I don't love you*
*turns to u*
why would u send this?
"it was 6 days ago. I was mad"