I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
You Might Also Like
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Nigella has gone too far this time.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]