I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
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A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?