Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
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Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced