We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
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Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
The first matador
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
🍛
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.