ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
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The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Can. I. Help. You.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH