We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
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When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.