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@michaelianblack: Friends and lovers may come and go but allergies are forever.
@KalvinMacleod: When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
@sweetg35: In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
@PaperWash: [walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn't mean you can order before me
@fuzzlime: Runs with scissors
Gets hit by bus