neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
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ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
The old gods are rising again.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
They’re really bad with fonts.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
all that yoga finally paid off
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.