Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
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I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho