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@DaddyJew: Boss: you're late Me: traffic Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you
@mcmullenforus: College is literally the best/worst time of your life. One minute you’re living it up with your friends, the next you have $3.00 and 4 exams
@LoneWolfStanley: Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she'll see that I've been stealing towels.
@Turbo_Jimmy: I sexually identify with the noble panda; I too have difficulty having sex in a cage surrounded by 800 Chinese people