Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
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[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Risking my life for fun.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet