You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
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Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
absolutely not
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.