ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
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The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…