“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
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You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.