Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
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Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
much to think about
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.