I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
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I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
bro what is going on at twitter
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”