QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
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When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Hot Hot Hot
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.