Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
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Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
my favorite genre of twitter
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.