FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
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Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
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Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Otters see a butterfly.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso