To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
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My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
⛄️
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!