[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
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“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.