HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
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I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.