When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
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Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
#Caturday
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
lmfao come on
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine