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@joejwest: ME: You've put on weight DRACULA: No I haven't. Prove it ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into? DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
@hipstermermaid: "500 Days of Summer" was pretty good for a movie I was expecting to be about global warming.
@daemonic3: My wife hates it when I say "You are just like your mother!" Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
@lovemydogduck: My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies