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I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Just a reminder, folks:
Meeeee too!
She was rare, like a goth carolling.