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@thegynomite: Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
@huntigula: Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs] Prince: "There there, cry it out" [starts recording] Um, you are a therapist, right? "Sure"
@Notoliviasteel: Cop : HANDS IN THE AIR! Me: *drunk, starts flailing arms* Cop: NO, NOT LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE
@AndyRichter: HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. "This is bad for everybody," say Old White Dudes.