There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
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friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.