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@mrtruthandsoul: According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
@KalvinMacleod: DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds? ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
@PartyBitchKayla: advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden