Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
You Might Also Like
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Somebody call the cops.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
new shirt idea
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man