[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
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I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.