Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
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I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.