ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
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[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty