[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
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“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.