Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
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[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.