If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
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One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
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[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Brilliant!
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.