Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
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Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Note to self: always read the final line
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.